


smoke alarm went off at 9

by subwaycars



Category: Hark! A Vagrant
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-21
Updated: 2012-12-21
Packaged: 2017-11-21 20:14:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/601641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/subwaycars/pseuds/subwaycars
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Ladies, Gentlemen, and other attendees of this year's Annual Be All That You Can Be Summit, we deeply regret to inform you that apparently a bomb has been found on the premise. "</p>
            </blockquote>





	smoke alarm went off at 9

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Northland](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Northland/gifts).



> Happy Yuletide! I have absolutely no idea what this is but you said let my freak flag fly so \o/? 
> 
> Title from the Ed Sheeran song Gold Rush, for absolutely no reason beyond a vague connection (maybe? if you squint?) to the story, and also because I just like that line?

“Ladies, Gentlemen, and other attendees of this year's Annual Be All That You Can Be Summit, we deeply regret to inform you that apparently a bomb has been found on the premise. We would ask that you kindly refrain from panicking as you make your way to the exit. We repeat, do not panic. And please, mind that gap.”

The 1980s Business Woman huffed.

“I can’t believe I skipped my cycling class for this,” she said, closing her Margret Thatcher day planner with a snap. 

Across the room, three Women leapt to their feet. 

“A bomb!” Susan B. Assthony cried.

Georgia O’Queefe brandished her guns.

“Never fear, we shall dismantle it!” Queen Elizatits said. The 1980s Business Woman massaged her temples. She hated the Strong Female Characters.

Across the room the three struck a pose, cocking their hips and thrusting their butts and breasts out, contorting their bodies in such a way that even Wonder Woman looked vaguely jealous. Alternately, she was drunk. She was on her third martini of the morning after all. It was hard to tell.

“I bet it was those damn Nazis again,” Wonder Woman slurred. She took a long drag from her cigarette. It was really quite impressive. The 1980s Business Woman would have to ask her about her workout routine later.

“I will escort you,” the Mountie sitting beside Wonder Woman said, offering her an arm. The Strong Female Characters shrieked.

“Chivalry is for the weak,” they cried, brandishing their guns. They shot into the air. She hoped the ceiling would hold.

Beside her, Stupid Watson said, “Look, Sherlock, a clue!”

He held up a jar of strawberry jam. Sherlock patted him on the head absentmindedly, and wandered off, past Tom Buchanan being ushered out, and disappeared down a hall.

Tom was shouting, “You cannot treat us this way! We are old money, you hear me! Old as _balls_!” 

The 1980s Business Woman would have to look into getting a date with him. It was the least she deserved.

Hissing from across the room caught her attention. When she looked back over, slithering down the walls and across the floor were the Straw Feminists. They crowded about the Mountie, tongues flickering out like snakes as they sneered.

“We do not need you!” said one. 

The other said, “Men are worthless!”

“Down with the patriarchy!” they cried. The Strong Female Characters cheered.

"Look at my bra!" the first one cried, waving one about in the air. Susan B. Assthony helpfully lit it on fire for her.

"Oooh, ahhhh," they all said.

"That's really quite lovely," the Mountie agreed, just to be polite. The Straw Feminists hissed.

“We should cut off your di-" the second one started to say, creeping forward. She only stopped when she realized that the pony had caught her shirt in its mouth, chomping happily.

“Stop that,” she cried. The pony ignored her.

The 1980s Business Woman turned away. She finished gathering her effects, fixed her lipstick a bit in her compact, and straightened the lapels of her rather fetching blazer (the shoulder pads were to die for), and set off down the hall the way Sherlock Holmes went. Somebody needed to take charge.

Wolverine followed after her like a strange puppy. He really was becoming quite domesticated recently. It was rather terrible. He kept _shedding._

Thankfully, it didn’t take her long to find either Sherlock Holmes or the bomb, as both were situated right in the center of the very first hallway she passed. She was glad she didn’t have to walk any further. Carpet was terrible to walk on in heels.

Sherlock was peering at the bomb from a marginally safe distance. The 1980s Business Woman took a moment to stare at it as well. It was a rather unruly thing, a great, hulking, shiny, metal beast with wires protruding from every which way, like something out of a comic strip.

Behind her, there was a clamoring of noise. It seemed as if the rest of them had finally followed. Pity.

She turned to look. They were all there- Stupid Watson and the Mountie escorting Wonder Woman, the Straw Feminists still hissing and the Strong Female Characters still brandishing their bullet-covered breasts like weapons. Even the pony had come, chewing on a misplaced baby as he ambled after the crowd. 

The Strong Female Characters shrieked when they saw the bomb, jumping immediately into action poses. Wonder Woman, on the other hand, after coming to the realization that there were no Nazis for her to battle, slumped down a wall in the corner. She made herself a new martini.

Wolverine skulked forward, sniffing at the bomb. He lifted a leg.

“Bad Wolverine,” Wonder Woman mumbled between hiccups, which did nothing to stop him from peeing on the bomb. Luckily, the bomb did nothing.

The 1980s Business Woman did not waste her breath on a sigh of relief. She snapped her fingers. Her assistant Beverly appeared. 

“Get me the President, China and my catsitter on the phone. Inform them of the situation,” she said. 

“Of course,” Beverly said, procuring three phones and giving a quick debriefing into them all before handing them off to the 1980s Business Woman. They had gotten rather good at multitasking.

“Productivity up by .03%, Ma’am,” Beverly informed her before disappearing back into the gathering crowd. The 1980s Business Woman was pleased.

However, before she could begin going about dismantling the bomb, a duck wandered by.

“Aw yiss,” the duck said. "Some Motha Fuckin bread crumbs.”

The duck pecked its way over to the bomb, seemingly unaware of its presence. In fact, it seemed to notice the bomb only after it stumbled into the bright red button entitled PUSH TO EXPLODE.

“Oh,” the duck said. Everyone else ducked for cover.

There was a small, strange sound, and the air filled with smoke. An alarm went off in the distance.

“Well, that was quite fascinating,” Sherlock Holmes said.

They all spent a moment staring at where the duck had been and where now was nothing but a skeleton, until Horatio emerged from the crowd that had gathered, scooping up the duck’s skull.

“Alas, poor Yorick, he was my Facebook friend!” he cried, holding the skull aloft for all to see. 

The 1980s Business Woman sighed, snapping her phones closed. After a moment, she settled down on the floor next to Wonder Woman. Wonder Woman offered her a martini. She accepted.

She was already late to her Kegel class after all. Might as well just do them right here.

**Author's Note:**

> Character come from these comics: [1980s Business Woman](http://www.harkavagrant.com/index.php?id=297), [the Pony](http://www.harkavagrant.com/index.php?id=339), [Strong Female Characters (P1)](http://www.harkavagrant.com/index.php?id=311) and [(P2)](http://www.harkavagrant.com/index.php?id=336), [Straw Feminists](http://www.harkavagrant.com/index.php?id=341), [Wolverine and Wonder Woman](http://www.harkavagrant.com/index.php?id=275), [Mountie and Duck](http://www.harkavagrant.com/index.php?id=125), [Tom and misplaced Baby](http://www.harkavagrant.com/index.php?id=259), and [ Holmes and Watson!](http://www.harkavagrant.com/index.php?id=210).


End file.
